TLP: Ways to Avoid the World War III Draft
This article was published in The Lemon Press Issue 44, on February 26th 2020. Full issue found here.
So, World War III is on the horizon, and you, like many others, may not be too keen on being drafted to go and be blown up by a nuclear bomb. Understandable. But not to worry, The Lemon Press has all the tips and tricks you’ll need to avoid the draft!
Be Gay, do Crime
We all know that the army is fond of violence and murdering innocent people. But if there’s one thing they can’t stand, it’s committing a sin. While being gay hasn’t been a crime in decades, many in the army still feel like it is. So go and have sex with someone of the same gender, and you’ll avoid being drafted. Two birds, one stone!Be an Angry Mother on Facebook
You probably have a Facebook account, so go and put it to good use! Put on lots of posts about how complaining about World War III makes you a ‘Snowflake,’ and how ‘My SON is in the arMy, so all these SJW’s whining about the draft can SHuT IT! FIGHT on!’ Make sure to randomly capitalise words to make it authentic Facebook Mother dialect. This way, you’ll be doing your bit for your country from the comfort of your own home, so the army won’t need to draft you!Make a Charity Song About the Fighting
Once again, you’ll be so busy spreading the message of how great war is, you won’t have time to actually fight in it! Make a song that soldiers will scream along to as they dance to their inevitable deaths, and sit back with all the cash you’ve made off of it. Just put a lot of references to ‘Respect the troops,’ ‘Rule Britannia,’ and ‘We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.’ Yeah, this isn’t America, but at this point, who can even tell the difference?Say How Much You Love Being a Housewife
Remember all those years of fighting for women’s ability to work outside of the home? Fuck that! Tell everyone how a woman belongs in the kitchen, not the battlefield, and how you want nothing more than to cook pies and clean for your man. Hell, even if you don’t identify as a woman, you can still give it a try! If the people trying to draft you are so backwards that they don’t think a man can be a homemaker, they’ll probably think that you’re gay, and voila! You’re following tip number 1!
So there you go! You’ll be avoiding the draft in no time! And if none of these tips work, at least you tried. Just take comfort in the fact that it probably won’t matter; since nuclear war is on the horizon, we’re all going to die whether we get drafted or not.